![]() ![]() “A cement mixer collided with a prison van. That is wrong on so many different levels.” – Tim Vine Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg?’ Because every play has a cast. So we stopped playing chess.” – Matt Kirshen “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. He said “Thanks!” I said “Don’t mention it.” I bought my friend an elephant for his room. It’s all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick.” – Andrew Lawrence “Looking at my face is like reading in the car. “Toughest job I ever had? Selling doors, door-to-door.” – Bill BaileyĪ soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. ![]() I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh. They left a little note, it said ‘Parking Fine.’” – Tim Vine (Photo: Shutterstock) “Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.'” – Tim Vine “This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. “This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?'” – Tim Vine ![]() Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.” – Ken Dodd I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.'” – Tim Vine I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. “I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.” – Tommy Cooper I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. “I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.” – Tim Vine I was involved in very organised crime.” – Milton Jones “Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. “The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin The first one is on the house.” – Tim VineĪs a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. “I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. ![]()
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